• Dylan Caufield

People who wear Airbuds

Updated: May 4

I like a guy that understands the need to keep two hands free. You never know when you need to avail both hands to appropriately self wipe or excrete some satisfaction. And of course, listening to some soothing jazz is as good as a high fiber diet and a good funky base improves the playboy centerfold imagination. Yeah, air buds, you gotta love them. Guys that wear them are cooler than a Hollywood celebrity espousing their political platitudes at the Oscars. There self

importance is understated. They are busy people—making sales calls ( ”is it the price?”) talking to their stockbroker (“wtf is up with

my portfolio”), working out the daycare details with their baby mama (“no, it’s your turn, you b”) To segue on that, it is important that those around them know that they have busy, hectic lives. In fact if we see this guy at the airport, walking feverishly and engrossed in his conversation on his Airbuds, we part like the Red Sea to let him get to his terminal. He has important business to tend to and us morons with only one hand free because we are holding our phone that we are talking into or we have no hands free because we are holding and talking with our phone in one hand and picking our nose with our other hand. Our lack of grace is so evident and Airbud mans shtik is so mesmerizing that Women want to be with them and men want to be like them.

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