• Dylan Caufield

Feelin the Bern?

Updated: May 4

I like Bernie Sanders because he reminds me of a cantankerous old neighbor who yelled at yme because my dog made a deposit on his lawn. I am totally feeling the Bern about a guy whose first real paycheck came from being mayor. It is not his fault that he sucked being a carpenter and could not build a bird house in ten tries. He probably had some meanie boss that failed to properly train him as an apprentice to hammer a nail. Also, I like a guy who will wait three lines deep at happy hour to get a nickel back on a 95 cent beer. This shows me that he will be giving with helping all of the social and welfare programs he espouses. Furthermore, his first wife was not very considerate leaving him after only two years. They lived in despicable conditions that had no electricity and a dirt floor and she failed to show any compassion. I will mke sure that my daughter never leaves a promising nest egg of a husband like that.


His personality is so scintiallting and engaging. I like a guy whose greatest skill is complaining, and I really like a guy that can do it with passion and vigor. What is really satisfying is that he is relentless and never shutsup about how the government gave him the middle finger. I like a guy with some spine to stick it to those spineless sissies that make too much money. Blame is a divine right and I respect one somebody who knows how to point the finger. If you have a face like Bernie, why look in the mirror, why own a mirror. If a guy chooses to wear his suit that he slept in and comb his hair with a fork, then that is his choice.


Finally, I like a guy that subscibes to the Great Gatsby of the American Dream. He understands that it is an illusion and that government can fix it. He understands that those who have the American Dream cast wizardry Harry Potter spells on those who do not have it and that is why there life is a nightmare. Sanders has it all figured out. Utopian for all.


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