• Dylan Caufield

George Costanza on Corona

We lost Jerry Stiller recently. He played a bitter old Frank Costanza, married to Estelle and father of the one and only George Costanza's. I typically do not dwell too much in celebrity passings but this one really caused me to reflect, for George Costanza is the poster child for the sardonic narrative advanced on my site, www.TheCynicCitizen.com . His pathetic, neurotic, and miserable outlook made him into one of the most unmistakable and identifiable characters in sitcom history. So I had a religious awakening, similar feeling that George had when he realized that every instinct in his life was wrong, thus, he brilliantly deduced, that the opposite must be true. So let's do the opposite here, instead of writing about the usual perspectives defending or criticizing Trump. Let's simply put Trump in George's shoes and see how he would have responded to the various comments surrounding the coronavirus.

  1. President Trump receiving criticism that the task force has been wrong on every prediction about the coronavirus. (George as Trump): My name is Donald Trump. I only wash my hands when I admit that I am wrong about something. I pick my nose a lot to keep me from touching my face, I take my shirt off when I go to the bathroom, I really like the bathroom, you know, that is why we have books, I know where all the high-quality bathrooms are in New York City, I double dip every chip I eat, I don't waste food so if I see an uneaten chocolate elcair sitting atop the garbage I do not hesitate to eat it, and my former fiancee died licking the toxic glue on the cheap wedding invitations I ordered...so... can I tell you how to beat the coronavirus?"

  2. President Trump receiving criticism that he has not done enough to fight off the coronavirus and that he has not achieved MAGA status. (George as Trump): "My whole presidency is about nothing. I pride myself on this. I remember when my campaign manager asked me what I wanted the presidency about, I told them nothing--absolutely nothing. Every rally I told the voters this and they cheered me on bigly, so I kept this campaign slogan. We will make American Great Again by doing nothing, same with the coronavirus."

  3. In response to Pelosi calling him morbidly obese. (George as Trump): "I like ice cream, and I like to eat it, not kept in the freezer, is that a crime? I am pleasantly plump. Plus, if I dropped a lot of weight I would have to get a skin lift or something, an idea that immediately escapes me every time I look at your face."

  4. MSM calls him a witch doctor for suggesting bleach be injected to kill the coronavirus. (George as Trump) : "I am just trying to offer self-serving frugal alternatives to beat the virus. Again, I try not to be wasteful. Hillary gave me that great idea, she knows all about made-up charities so you don't have to give gifts and then people write checks to you. Anyway, I belive in doing anything to get the job done. I once pretended to be handicapped to get a job. Was that wrong of me."'

  5. Governor Cuomo asking for more ventilators. (George as Trump): "If he wasn't such a windbag shooting his mouth for hours during a press conference, we would have more oxygen in the universe and no need for ventilators. I wish so badly he shut up. Have you ever seen anybody talk so much about nothing."

  6. Governor Newsom saying it is a moral obligation for the feds to bail out the state of California. (George as Trump): "Is it my moral obligation to bail out a blue state that hates my guts? I mean your pretty boy tan face seems to be getting plenty of vitamin D, which I told you works against corona. I told your commie Asian puppet ass in 2018 after those arson fires in Napa started by Direct energy weapons from the Chinese that conveniently destroyed incriminating information on the hard drives of some Deep Staters that you got stop lying to the people of California about your budget woes and bullet train to nowhere. And, I gave you some sage advice, and you better start using it, ' it is not a lie if you believe it. '

  7. Obama said that these are not normal times..we live in a world of a pandemic and terrible recession." (George as Trump): "Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, and I have no respect for your horrible leadership. It left our country in really bad shape. It hurt us bigly. I find it very hard to see the logic behind all of the spying you did in this country. You have caused me, and all the American people, horrible distress, as we all watched you take our beloved country and reduced it to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!"

  8. The WHO caught off guard by Trump's decree that the United States defund from this China influenced the globalist organization. (George as Trump): " We are breaking up with you. That's right. sorry to hurt your feelings, but you are corrupt, so 'I' ...am breaking up... with you."

  9. Adam Shiff calling Trump unfit to be president and that he has evidence that Trump colluded with the Russians: (George as Trump): "I have been working on the Penske file, and I have first-hand knowledge that Shiff is not Penske material and this entire investigation is a hoax. He says that I am not Penske material, well Shifty Shiff is full of crap."

  10. MSM criticizing Trump for his slow response to the coronavirus. (George as Trump): "The virus was angry that day my friends- kind of like that old bag tearing up my state of the union speech--it wasn't fifteen minutes from when I made this decision that the fake news beast appeared before me--I tell you there were tens if not hundreds criticizing me bigly for my bold decision. I even told Sleepy Joe, easy big fella, I know you're tired and forgetful, but I saved thousands of lives from my decision."

  11. President Trump receiving MSM criticism for being arrogant and brash to the fake news media. (George as Trump): "Well, the jerk store called, and they said that they are all out of fake news."

  12. President Trump receiving comments from his supporters that he looks tired and overworked. (George as Trump). "Fake News, I believe in rest big time. It is very helpful for good health. I take time every day to take a nap underneath my desk."

  13. President Trump receiving criticism for always being so mean to China about the coronavirus. (George as Trump): "Being a nice guy got me nowhere, so I try to act like a bad boy. It all started when I pretended to be a bootlegger to impress Melania."

  14. President Trump receiving comments that he talks about unnecessary things during his press conference. (George as Trump). "That is fake news. Even my small talk is necessary and interesting. For instance, people like it when I explain what z pack means. Words are fascinating, like the word manure--ma---nure--funny how it sounds, but hey, it perfectly describes speaker Pelosi's pork stimulus bill.

  15. President Trump upset that CNN never retracts or apologizes for their lies. (George as Trump). "I have sat through meetings of Rageaholics Anonymous meeting and part of the 12 step process is to apologize. They have never apologized to me. "

I could go on and on. I have had a lot of time on my hands during this shelter in place. Seinfeld reruns have been a part of it. Humor is bigly and badly needed right now.