• Dylan Caufield

CoronaVirus -Tongue and Cheek

Updated: May 6

I am writing with latex gloves, breathing through a gas mask, and refraining from picking my nose for the next 30 minutes because of the highly contagious components of the coronavirus. I have to take these precautions because this is all the government's fault--especially Trump. The virus is the most deadly to the elderly community. Trump is an old white guy that is a germaphobe, for he will not touch his orange face to save his life, and he wants this virus to spread to kill two old white guys that are his adversary--Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden. If it happens to take some other blue hair malcontents, such as Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters, Mike Bloomberg, and Chuck Schumer, then it is a bonus. Also, Trump is probably a major stockholder in all of the cleaning supplies, especially hand sanitizer, so he wants this misfortunate event to linger so that he can fatten his wallet. What will truly Make America Great Again is keeping everybody in quarrantine. Family members will have a rock solid alibi to not visit those inlaws they detest. Husbands who get dragged out to the mall wil be now be burdened with staying home for the good of the order. With internet access and smart phone the executive could conduct his business in his boxer shorts, t-shirt, and slippers rather than sucumb to the office blather of big mouth Bob in the adjacent cubicle. Those who like to erotically self gratify themselves will find qurrantine time very satisfying. Beer drinkers who subscribe to the George Thorogood mantra "I Drink Alone" will find this mandatory solitude very welcome. Some may even jokingly couple this with the "Hare of the Dog" philosophy--stock the fridge with corona beers then consume these barley beverages as a self medicated vaccine. The bottom line is that type A people will have to resort to excessive FaceTime conversations via the cell phone to fulfill their void of humanity, and Type B people can choose to dump the call if they are on the receiving end of such activity---a win win here.

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